The Old-Timer from Pincher Creek

No one knows from whence the Old Timer came, or what is his real name. But the North West Mounted Police contingent who set up the Pincher Creek Horse Ranch in 1872 found him wandering about west of town along the Pincher Creek -- carrying a sharp, heavy axe --- looking for a pair of horse shoe pincers his partner, Black Jack, lost there in 1868. He lived then and continues to live in a cave located on a bank of the Pincher Creek. Local Hutterites whisper that his real name is Gabby Lemon and that, one day in 1870, Lemon and his partner, Black Jack, discovered a gold mine near Crowsnest Mountain. Late that night, with one stroke of his trusty axe Lemon split Black Jack's skull in two . Lemon still splits wood for the townsfolk of Pincher Creek. Frugal to a fault, the Old Timer has saved every nickel he ever earned from his splitting activities, and invested his compounded savings in hedge funds which specialize in the short market. His latest victim is Chrysler Corporation and the American economy --- President Barak Obama has branded him a corporate welfare bum. Indeed, though town gossips claim he is a trillionaire the Old Timer lives in subsidized housing and scourges every garbage can for bottles. An big investor in Shell Oil he scrounges a ride out to the Shell Gas Plant south of town and rapes and pillages the company cafeteria. He downhill skis at Castle Mountain --- the best ski area in the Rockies --- For old-timers --- Castle Mountain is free. He skis on a pair of wooden skis he's been accused of stealing from the Pincher Creek Museum.