Set 'Em Up Joe, DM (Doctor of Mixology)

Us bartenders is a profession --- just like doctors and lawyers. You get disbarred if you're ever guilty of "conduct unbecoming of a bartender". Of course we got our barroom lawyers among our numbers --- just knowing in the gut not to do anything ethical should be enough --- but these barroom lawyers are anal --- a bartender should never be anal --- no pun intended. But just not doing anything "unbecoming of a bartender" just ain't enough for these guys --- by the way, they're the first ones, being anal, to cut their "clients'" drinks. These wanna be ambulance chasers got ta' have a Code of Ethics --- and once they get finished committeein' and argunin' and picking flies out of pepper, and deciding how many angels can stand on the point of a needle, and being politically correct --- why the Code of Ethics is 540 pages long. Sure, any bartender knows that you can only steal from you boss --- but according to these learned ones --- you can't even steal from your boss if he/she is trans gendered. But that ain't enough --- no --- once they've got a Code of Ethics, they got to do some more committeein' and argunin' and picking flies out of pepper, and deciding how many angels can stand on the point of a needle, and being politically correct --- so now they have a 5,000 page Interpretation Guide to the Code of Ethics. And to figure all this out and stop them there Starbucks baristas from horning in on our profession, they've hired James/Jenny Ignatieff, as President and CEO (they used to be called executive directors), the former propaganda boss of the Smokers' Rights Association of Canada and before that with the Urban Development League --- at a salary of $3,000,000 per year. And of course you need executive assistants (they used to be called secretaries) in the office and, of course, the office has to be big and the President has to attend all kinds of bartenders' conventions. Any red-blooded bartender don't need all this to know the golden rule for bartenders isn't "do unto others what you would have done unto you" --- no it's "don't tell tales out of school ... keep yer yap shut ... maintain confidentiality ..." ---- jest like for doctors and lawyers. So I can't tell you the stories and confessions I've heard across the bar. But I know things that'd put every other character in the Calgary Eye Opener out of office or in jail or both ---- but I can't tell because, otherwise, I'll be disbarred --- unless the tip is big enough of course --- but it never has been to date --- talking of which --- if you want to know all about tipping bartenders, have a look at the Chow - Stiffing the Bartender - How much should you tip on drinks? web site.

Getting back to my clients --- without revealing any confidences --- back in 1938 a dapper looking, skinny young guy with a big adam's apple came into the Long Bar at a quarter to three in the morning and here's what he told me and that's where I get my name:

It's quarter to three,
There's no one in the place
Except you and me.
So, set 'em up, Joe,
I've got a little story
You oughta know.
We're drinkin', my friend,
To the end of a brief episode.
Make it one for my baby
And one more for the road ...

I've got the routine,
So drop another nickel
In the machine.
I'm feelin' so bad,
Wish you'd make
The music pretty and sad.
Could tell you a lot,
But you've got to be true to your code
So, make it one for my baby
And one more for the road ...

You'd never know it but buddy,
I'm a kind of poet.
And I got a lot of things to say
And when I'm gloomy,
You simply gotta listen to me
Till it's all talked away.

Well that's how it goes and Joe,
I know you're gettin'
Pretty anxious to close.
So, thanks for the cheer,
I hope you didn't mind
My bendin' your ear.
This torch that I found
Must be drowned
Or it soon might explode.
So, make it one for my baby
And one more for the road.

That long, long road
...For more info about what he said, CLICK HERE.

You might also want to have a look at Funny Bartender Stories -- By CLICKING HERE.