Peter McGonigle

Some say Peter McGonigle never existed and that not one copy of his newspaperThe Mindapore Gazette ever was printed. Regardless, no more popular character ever strutted the pages of The Calgary Eye Opener.

Born in Huron, Ontario in 1848, the son of Ontario's poet laureate, Edinburgh McGonagle, author of Canada's definitive poem, Stuck in a Bog:

Stuck in a bog
Of one thousand listless summers, lilting
They will be attacked by a pack of dogs
Damn, those fruit flies are cunning

According to the Eye Opener of December 7, 1907, McGonigle "was educated at Toronto University, where, under the careful eye of Professor McConkey, he achieved brilliant results and finally took his degree of B.A. (Boozological Artist)." He applied his fancy education to his own poetical career and wrote "Between the Forks and Carleton, Too", an epic of the Riel Rebellion of 1885:

He shot a bullet through his hat
And off he rode at a dead gallap

and "An Ode to Big Bertha":

If you were far across the sea
What a swimmer I would be

Pursued by three separate fathers, each armed with a 12 gauge Winchester shot gun, McGonigle gave up romantic poetry and fled to Winnipeg where, according to the December 7, 1907 story, "he was was shown much attention in police circles. From Winnipeg he moved to Stoney Mountain (the site of a federal rehabilitation facility), where he resided continuously for seven years". On August 22, 1903, he set himself up as Editor/Publisher of the of the now famous Midnapore Gazette. Despite his commitment to the community of Midnapore (as Grand Imperial Klagle of the Midnapore United Secret Sacred Orange/Ku Klux Klan Lodge). He has had an occasional brush with the law. On July 17, 1908, Set-Em-Up Joe, the bartender the Long Bar at the Alberta Hotel, espied McGonigle walking out of the Long Bar, a purloined bottle of Glen Parker Single Malt Scotch, the property of the Hotel, wrapped in a copy of the Gazette. Challenged and restrained McGonigle responded: "My friend, you mustn't believe all you see in The Gazette."

A bit of a skirt-chaser, McGonigle besmirched the innocent name of a wealthy Mindapore widow --- he had tried to seduce her --- she refused his advances --- in revenge, he left his little dog on the widow's doorstep overnight. The pastor of the widow's church, the First Church of Christ the Consumer, excommunicated her from the church.

He was not above engaging in horse stealing --- a capital offense more serious than murder in the early 20th century. He ended up in Edmonton Penitentiary, awaiting suspension from the neck --- but a homely parole officer (who McGonigle had married) ruled that he posed no danger to citizens or property and was a sure candidate for rehabilitation. She paroled him. The Orange/Ku Klux Klan Lodge staged a grand banquet celebrating his release and the Calgary Eye Opener of October 6, 1906 printed the following story:

"The banquet ..... proved a great success.

Quite a number of prominent citizens were present and, with [Calgary] Mayor Emerson in the chair, the songs, toasts and speeches passed off with all the eclat available at such short notice.

Letters of regret were read from Lord Strathcona, Earl Grey, Premier Rutherford ...Rev. John A. McDougall ... and others.

The letter of Lord Strathcona, the Canadian High Commissioner to Great Britain's at the time, reads as follows:

'.... I regret exceedingly that I shall be unable to attend the McGonigle banquet at Calgary, but believe me, my sympathies go out to your honored guest. The name of Peter McGonigle will ever stand high in the roll of eminent confiscators. Once, long ago, I myself came near achieving distinction in this direction when I performed some dexterous financing with the Bank of Montreal's funds. In consequence, however, of Canadian Pacific Railway shares going up instead of down, I wound up in the House of Lords instead of the Edmonton Penitentiary.'

Because Lord Strathcona had been involved with some shady financial dealings connected with the building of the Canadian Pacific Railway, he threatened to sue The Calgary Eye Opener for publishing the letter. The letter, his Lordship insisted haughtily, desecrated his lordly privacy and commented upon a matter that had been before the courts. But Lord Strathcona failed to make good on his threat.

McGonigle shares the friendship of Joseph Seagram and Glen Parker ... so much so that, in 1911, he was taken for dead and buried for six months . His wife/parole officer realized that, if McGonigle could be paroled from Edmonton Penitentiary, he could certainly be paroled from the grave. Whereupon his would-be widow exhumed him and turned him over to Set-Em-Up Joe who poured an industrial sized Seagram/Parker cocktail down his gullet. Sure enough, after five minutes, the distinguished editor revived.

McGonigle passionately believes:

• in Intelligent Design
• in the only true religion
• in Acupuncture
• that a retired pipe fitter who speaks in tongues can cure your toothache by manipulating your spine
• that his grandfather rode to church on a dinosaur
• that all non-Anglo Saxons are developmentally delayed
• that Adam and Eve abstained from premarital sex
• that, in 1066, King Billy of Orange beat the daylights out of Satan at the Battle of the Boyne
• that consumerism is God's solely begotten gift to humankind
• that Jesus was a capitalist
• that global warming is caused by second-hand oxygen
• that the recession was caused by global warming
• that Colonel Saunders and Ronald McDonald love ya'
• that cell phones are needs not wants
• that the current Toronto go-go stock, Research in Motion, will top $10,000 a share
• that Toronto is a world-class city
• that George W. Bush was America's greatest president
• that Ralph Klein was Canada's greatest prime minister
• that the Germans didn't know nothin' about nothin'
• that, anyway, the Holocaust never happened
• that aboriginals are conspiring to steal our property
• that communism and homosexuality are communicable diseases.