I'M A TRUE BELIEVER IN CONSUMERISM AND I CONSIDER IT MY PATRIOTIC DUTY TO START MY CHRISTMAS CONSUMING EARLY, LIKE ANY SUPER CAPITALIST I START THE DAY AFTER HALLOWEEN, WHEN MASKS GO ON SALE AT ONLY FIVE TIMES COST. EVEN EARLIER, ON HALLOWEEN NIGHT, I WARM-UP DOWN AT THE UNION CEMETERY. AND SO, ON NOVEMBER 1, THOUGH I WAS MUCH LOOKING FORWARD TO TWO MONTHS OF JOY AND GOODNESS AND CRANKING UP THE ECONOMY, I WAS SOMEWHAT THE WORSE FOR THE CHRISTMAS CHEER (GLEN PARKER SCOTCH) THAT I HAD CONSUMED IN THE CEMETERY. I TRIED TO SLEEP IN BUT MY PHONE INTERRUPTED MY DREAMS. IT WAS OBVIOUS THAT THE ANCESTORS OF THE VOICE AT THE OTHER END HAD NOT COME OVER ON THE MAY FLOWER: "LLOBERT EDWARDS OF THE CALGLY EYE OPENLER? HOW ARE YOU TODAY? MY NAME IS JULIA WANG"

I DON'T LIKE HIGHWAY ROBBERS AND SHE SOUNDED TO ME LIKE A LOW-BUDGET TELEMARKETER SO I AUTOMATICALLY SPAT OUT: "GIVE ME YOUR PHONE NUMBER AND I'LL CALL YOU BACK --- WHAT TIME DO YOU EAT YOUR MEALS?"

"I WANT YOUL TOTHAL INSULANCE NUMBEL?" I THOUGHT SHE SAID.

"WHY WOULD I GIVE MY SOCIAL INSURANCE NUMBER TO A TELEMARKETER?'

I THOUGHT SHE SAID: "NO TELEMARKETEL I AM CANADIAN LEVENUE AGENCY. I WANT YOUR TOTHAL INSULANCE NUMBEL. "

I'D JUST, THAT VERY DAY, READ THAT THE SHANGHAI MAFIA HAD GOT ON THE BLOWER FROM CHINA AND HAD CALLED A FLOCK OF CALGARY OLD TIMERS AT THEIR HOMES --- THE MAFIOSI PRETENDED TO BE CALLING FROM THE OLD FOLKS' BANK RIGHT IN CALGARY --- THE OLD FOLKS WERE CANADIANS, ALBEIT CALGARIANS, AND KNEW THAT AN AUTHORITY FIGURE LIKE THE BANK MUST BE OBEYED AND THE FOLKS FORKED OVER THEIR ACCOUNT NUMBERS. FASTER THAN THE SPEED OF LIGHT THEIR ACCOUNT BALANCES DISAPPEARED. AFTER THAT, SOMEONE FROM THE BETTER BUSINESS BUREAU WARNED SENIORS NOT TO GIVE OUT ANY INFORMATION OVER THE PHONE --- WHICH MADE A LOT OF SENSE TO ME. "DON'T DO ANYTHING," SAID THE BBB. "WITHOUT GETTING SOMETHING IN WRITING."

"I NEED A LETTER FROM YOU," I TOLD THE CALLER. "BEFORE I GIVE YOU ANY INFORMATION."

"I GIVE YOU LETTER BUT YOU MUST GIVE ME YOUL TOTHAL INSULANCE NUMBEL FILST"

I NOT SO GENTLY HUNG UP. "SURELY," I REASONED. "THIS SCAM CONSTITURES A CLEAR AND IMMEDIATE DANGER TO THE SECURITY OF EVERY SENIOR CITIZEN IN CALGARY AND TO THE ECONOMY ITSELF BECAUSE, IF THE CHINESE STEAL ALL THE SENIORS' MONEY --- THERE'LL BE NONE LEFT TO CONSUME WITH ---- AND WITH CHRISTMAS COMING ON --- OH THE HUMANITY OF IT!!!!

SO, OF COURSE, I TRIED TO GOOGLE THE EMAIL ADDRESS OF THE MINISTER OF REVENUE TO WARN HIM OF THIS LATEST THREAT TO NATIONAL SECURITY .... ONLY TO DISCOVER THAT THE MINISTER DOES NOT HAVE ACCESS TO EMAIL. PRIME MINISTER STEPHEN ("POTTY") HARPER DOESN'T ALLOW CABINET MINISTERS TO HAVE EMAIL ADDRESSES. THE ONLY MINISTER TO WHOM A TAXPAYER CAN SEND AN EMAIL IS PRIME MINISTER POTTY HIMSELF. WERE IT OTHERWISE, MINISTERS MIGHT START SENDING EMAILS QUESTIONING POTTY'S MANHOOD. ALL I COULD DO WAS EMAIL THE PRIME MINISTER.

Prime Minister (I believe that is the proper way in which you should be addressed)

Please accept my apologies for burdening you with such a minor matter but, quite literally, you're a reincarnation of my hero, Harry Truman, for the buck stops with you and only with you. You are the only email address through which I can contact The Canada Revenue Agency (Revenue Canada before one of your predecessors made it "more accountable"). If you don't wish to micro manage this matter would you please pass it on to the Minister of National Revenue:
..... I have been contacted by telephone by a female voice identifying herself as "Julia Wang of the Canadian [THE PROPER NAME IS "CANADA"] Revenue Agency" demanding I provide her with my Social Insurance Number ..... I refused until I had something in writing. She said she couldn't write me until she had my Social Insurance Number.

I am concerned that Ms. Wang is legitimate and that I can deal with her. Would you please confirm that.

ABOUT A MONTH LATER THE MINISTER OF REVENUE WROTE ME THE FOLLOWING LETTER ON EMBOSSED STATIONERY DELIVERED BY SNAIL MAIL:

"Canada's tax system is based on self-assessment ... "

WHICH DIDN'T MAKE MUCH SENSE --- I WAS ONLY TRYING TO FIND WHETHER OR NOT WANG WORKED FOR HIS DEPARTMENT. HIS LETTER WENT ON, MEANINGLESS PARAGRAPH AFTER MEANINGLESS PARAGRAPH OF, WHAT IS CALLED IN THE LEGAL TRADE "BOILERPLATE" AND FINALLY CAME OUT WITH THE FOLLOWING:

"It is important that CRA officials ask questions in order to ensure they are speaking to the right person ..."

THE MINISTER ENDED THE EMBOSSED LETTER WITH:

"I appreciate the opportunity to address your concerns."

BUT HE MISSED THE QUESTION --- I STILL DIDN'T KNOW IF WANG WAS A FRAUDSTER OR A REVENUER. SO I WAS FORCED EMAIL POTTY'S OFFICE AGAIN:

"Dear Office of the Prime Minister

I'm attaching correspondence with the Minister of National Revenue. Again, I would have contacted Mr. Blackburn directly had I an email address for him. Apparently, the Prime Minister does not allow his ministers to have email addresses --- is that Sigmund Freud lurking in the shadows? If the person who initially contacted me was a legitimate agent of the Department of National Revenue, I'm surprised that a government which fears cabinet ministers dealing directly with the public and the media would expect a taxpayer to give out his social insurance number over the telephone.

Here is the message I would like you to forward to Mr. Blackburn (THE MINISTER), uncensored if possible but, if necessary, whatever you can send on:

Dear Mr. Blackburn:

I suppose the term non sequitur could apply to most of your letter attached. However, I hope that, if your agents are trying to contact me they not do so by telephone.

Despite the boilerplate, I'm still not clear whether or not the person who identified herself as Julia Wang is or is not an agent of your department. If she is not, she constitutes a serious danger to the public, and to seniors in particular, as a scam artist and the matter should be reported to police authorities."

AND SO THE MATTER STANDS - IF WANG'S A CROOK SHE'S OPERATING AS FREELY AS THE YEMENI UNDERWEAR BOMBER DID ON XMAS DAY.

WE'LL REPORT FURTHER DEVELOPMENTS.