IT'S ALL OVER FOR POOR OLD, GOD-FORSAKEN TIGER ..... OH, THE HUMANITY OF IT -- AN AMERICAN TRAGEDY, I PROCLAIM ... HE HAD SO MUCH GOING FOR HIM .... etc. etc. ---- WHY, I ASK, WHY???

COME HERE YA EEJIT, McGOONIGLE, AND I'LL TELL YA SOMETHING .... WHAT'S TIGER'S FIRST LOVE? ... I ASK YA'

WHY HIS DEAR SWEDISH WIFE OF COURSE --- HE'S SINNED BUT HE'S A FAMILY MAN YOU KNOW --- OH YES, YES AND OF COURSE --- HIS CHILDREN --- HE'S SINNED BUT HE MEANS WELL --- I KNOW IT IN MY BONES --- HE IS TRYING --- HE'S TAKING SEX REHABILITATION THERAPY AND HE'S GOING TO GIVE HIS WIFE HALF OF HIS BILLION DOLLAR FORTUNE

GO ON NOW --- "SEX REHABILITION THERAPY" --- COME HERE --- THAT'S A GOOD RACKET --- EVERY GRIEF COUNSELLOR AND FINANCIAL PLANNER IN THE COUNTRY'S GOIN' A BE CHANGIN' THEIR LINE A' WORK --- WHAT DA THEY DO --- SEEMS TO ME THAT SURGERY WUD BE THE BEST THERAPY --- YA' WATCH THERE MCGOONIGLE OR THEY'LL BE MAKIN' IT COMPULSORY --- DOES 'E HAVE A SEX REHABILITATOR FER EACH ONE OF HIS GIRL FRIENDS? HOW MUCH ARE THEY COSTIN' --- SO YA HOWLIN', THUNDERIN', RAMPAGIN' DELUSIONAL EJIT --- YER A FELLA' THAT LIKES TO SPOIL A GOOD SUNDAY WALK BY HITTIN' AT A POOR LITTLE WHITE BALL --- AND YA STILL THINK THE LOVE A YER MAN'S LIFE IS THE WIFE AND KIDS DA YA' --- GIVE YER' HEAD A SHAKE --- WHY THE RAMPAGIN', GALLOPIN', SCREECHIN' LOVE A TIGER'S LIFE IS --- OR SO "THEY" SAY --- IS THAT GAME --- THAT STUPID GAME OF GOLF --- MIND YOU I MIGHT BE WRONG --- IN THE AGE OF PROPAGANDA --- TIGER MAY JUST BE LYIN' --- THE TV MAY BE LYIN' --- MAYBE TIGER HATES GOLF --- LIKE ANDRE AGASSI - HE SAYS HE HATES TENNIS ... WHO KNOWS --- IF THE TV IS LYIN' TIGER MIGHT JUST LOVE CHASIN' AFTER WILD, WILD WOMEN AND SEEIN' SEX REHABILITATORS OR LITTLE FAT BOYS FER THAT MATTER

WELL IF HE ISN'T A FAMILY MAN FIRST --- HE'S NOT A DECENT HUMAN BEING OR A RED-BLOODED AMERICAN BOY --- BUT EVEN IF TIGER LOVES GOLF --- DARE I EVEN THINK IT --- MORE THAN HIS FAMILY --- HE'LL NEVER PLAY AGAIN ...

HOLD ON NOW --- BIG TV DID A SURVEY --- IF TIGER ISN'T PLAYIN', 60% A' THE PEOPLE WHO NOW WATCH GOLF ON THE EEJIT TUBE WILL QUIT WATCHIN' --- DA' YA' THINK BIG TV IS GOIN' TO LET THAT CASH COW OUT A' THE BARN ---

YES, OF COURSE, I DO THINK SO --- ALL THE NETWORK EXECUTIVES ARE HIGHLY MORAL, GOD-FEARING FAMILY MEN --- THAT'S WHY THEY WORK SO HARD --- FOR FAMILY VALUES --- TO PUT FOOD ON THE TABLE --- TO PAY THE MORTGAGE --- TO LET THEIR FAMILIES CONSUME MORE

GO 'WAY --- MOST OF THEM ARE OVERDOSED ON TESTOSTERONE AND OTHER EGO ENHANCING DRUGS --- DOESN'T MATTER --- WHY DOES TIGER HAVE TO GIVE UP GOLF ---

YOU GIVE YOUR HEAD A SHAKE --- HE CAN'T PLAY GOLF IF HE ISN'T A RESPECTABLE FAMILY MAN --- HE'D LOSE ALL HIS ENDORSEMENTS - GATORADE WILL LEAVE HIM, GENERAL MOTORS, AMERICAN EXPRESS --- THE INVESTORS --- GOD BLESS THEIR SOULS IN ALL THOSE COMPANIES HAVE LOST FIVE BILLION TO TWELVE BILLION ALREADY --- OH, THE HUMANITY OF IT

BEFORE HIS WIFE TOOK 'EM TO THE CLEANERS HE WAS WORTH SIX HUNDRED MILLION BUCKS --- NOW HE'S ONLY WORTH THREE HUNDRED MILLION --- BUT LET ME ASK --- EVEN THEN --- WITH THREE HUNDRED MILLION BUCKS IN THE ASS OF HIS PANTS --- FOR THE LOVE OF JESUS --- WHY WOULD HE NEED ENDORSEMENTS --- DOES HE NEED MORE MONEY?

HE'S GOT BIG EXPENSES YOU KNOW --- HANDLERS, PROPAGANDA AGENTS, BATTERIES OF LAWYERS --- HE'D RUN OUT OF MONEY PRETTY QUICKLY ---

AND NOW --- SEX REHABILITATORS --- LOOK HERE --- ALL A' THEM, OF COURSE, ARE TELLIN' YER MAN HE'S GOT TO KEEP THOSE ENDORSEMENTS --- IF HE DOESN'T HE'LL BE OUT ON THE STREET --- WELL IT WON'T BE HIM --- IT'LL BE HIS HANDLERS, PROPAGANDA AGENTS, BATTERIES OF LAWYERS AND SEX FIXERS --- IF YOUR MAN LOSES HIS ENDORSEMENTS, THEY'RE THE ONES WHO'LL BE OUT ON THE STREET --- BUT NOT YER MAN --- HE CAN GO ON PLAYIN' GOLF --- THE LOVE 'A HIS LIFE SO WE'RE TOLD --- WITHOUT ENDORSEMENTS --- AND ENJOY IT A LOT MORE --- COME HERE AND I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHIN' --- TIGER SHOULD FIRE ALL THOSE PARASITES AND PUT 'EM OUT ON THE STREET TO FIND SOME OTHER SUCKERS --- THEN HE CAN THROW THE REHAB OUT THE WINDOW - HAVE HIS WAY WITH AS MANY GIRLS AS HE LIKES --- GO OUT AND PLAY GOLF AND FORGET ABOUT ANY GOD-FORBIDDEN ENDORSEMENTS.