THERE'S TWO THINGS I'VE BEEN MISSIN' FOR YEARS --- SEX AND MONEY

SO DOWN AT THE GOLD RANGE BAR ONE OLD TIMER TOLD ME TO GO TO VICTORIA .... WHERE THERE'S LOTS OF RICH WIDDAS

WELL IT WEREN'T LONG BEFORE I GOT THERE AND, FIRST THING, I CHECKED INTO THE STRATHCONA HOTEL AND, THEN, I TODDLED RIGHT DOWN TO STARBUCKS TO SEE WHAT I COULD DO ABOUT THE SOCIAL LIFE -- STARBUCKS IS MY FAVOURITE EVEN THOUGH THEY GO ON ABOUT "GRANDE" INSTEAD OF "BIG" AND "BARRISTAS" AND ALL THAT SORT OF BALONEY STUFF (B.S.) --- BUT THEY TRAIN THEIR STAFF REAL GOOD AND PROBABLY PAY 'EM PRETTY GOOD AND DON'T ALLOW THEM TO PIERCE THEIR LIPS AND NOSES AND THE CUSTOMER IS ALWAYS RIGHT. ANYWAY I GET MYSELF A BIG COFFEE AND SIT DOWN ON A COUCH ACROSS A COFFEE TABLE FROM A TALL, SKINNY GAL WITH A BIG ADAM'S APPLE SITTING ON A COUCH PECKING AWAY AT A LAP TOP. YA NEVER KNOW BUT SHE MIGHT BE A RICH WIDDER AND, ANYWAY, I'M LIKE JACK SPRAT --- I LIKE 'EM LEAN. I BELIEVE IN GETTING RIGHT DOWN TO BUSINESS SO I SAYS: "EXCOOSE ME MS. I'M NEW IN TOWN. CAN YA' LOOK UP FOR ME ON THAT THERE COMPUTER WHERE I CAN FIND SOME SOCIAL LIFE." WELL SHE KINDA LOOKS KINDA UGLY AT ME BUT, THEN, SHE KINDA SMILES LIKE A CHESHIRE CAT.

"YOU MEAN 'SOCIAL NETWORK' DO YOU? COME ON OVER AND SIT DOWN AND WE'LL HAVE HAVE A LOOK."

AND I MOVE RIGHT OVER --- PRETTY CLOSE --- AND SHE TYPES INTO THE COMPUTER: "FACEBOOK".

AND UP POPS A MESSAGE - I THINK IT READ: "BE AN ACTIVIST FOR DEMOCRACY AGAINST PIROGIES -- BIG RALLY -- TODAY AT TWO O'CLOCK -- CENTENNIAL SQUARE".

"THAT'S THE FIRST I'VE HEARD OF THAT," SHE SAYS. "I'M AN ACTIVIST - ALL MY FRIENDS'LL BE THERE. LET'S HEAD DOWN THERE RIGHT NOW."

I DIDN'T UNDERSTAND WHY PIROGIES (WHICH IS CHOLESTORAL ENHANCING GRUB THEY COOK UP IN THE CHUCK) WERE BAD FOR DEMOCRACY BUT I DIDN'T WANT TO LOOK LIKE A NATURAL IMBECILE. THAT "ACTIVIST" WORD --- I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANT EITHER BUT I FIGEERED IT COULD MEAN THAT THE PEARLY GATES WOULD OPEN WIDE AND WHO KNOWS WHAT SHE AND HER FRIENDS WOULD BE UP TO, AND EVEN IF SHE WASN'T A RICH WIDDER MAYBE SOME OF HER FRIENDS MIGHT BE --- AND A RICH ACTIVIST OR EVEN A WHOLE BUNCH OF RICH ACTIVISTS WAS JUST WHAT I WAS LOOKIN' FOR ....

WELL THINGS JEST SEEMED TO GET BETTER AS SOON AS WE GOT DOWN TO THE RALLY --- THERE WERE ABOUT 800 FOLKS --- SHE SAID IT WAS ALL ON SHORT NOTICE AND ALL BECAUSE OF THIS FACE BOOK SOCIAL WORKNET THING ---

MOST WERE PRETTY GRUBBY LOOKIN' BUT OTHERS WEREN'T HARD ON THE EYES AT ALL AND SOME WERE ONE HUNNERD PERCENT, RED-BLOODED CANADIANS ---

SHE SAID ALOT OF HER FRIENDS FROM THE UNIVERSITY WERE THERE ---
--- SHE HERSELF WAS A PROFESSOR --- IT WAS THESE PROFESSORS WHO "ORGANIZED" THE RALLY EVEN THOUGH THE SPEAKER SYSTEM DIDN'T WORK AND NO ONE SEEMED TO BE STICKIN' TO THE POINT

"ERECTIONAL DYSFUNCTION - THERE IS A CURE"

AND I FIGURED THIS IS MADE IN HEAVEN FOR SURE --- 'CAUSE I FORGOT TO TELL YA' THAT ON TOP OF HAVIN' NO WOMEN AND NO MONEY ---- I DON'T HAVE THAT TOO

"DO YA' KNOW ANYTHIN' ABOUT THIS CURE," SAYS I.

"EASY," SAYS LA PROFESSORA. "PROPORTIONAL REPRESENTATION. YOU VOTE FOR WHATEVER PARTY YOU WANT. AND THEN THEY COUNT UP ALL THE VOTES AND THE PARTIES CHOOSE MEMBERS OF PARLIAMENT PROPORTIONATE TO THE NUMBER OF VOTES THEY GET."

CONFOOZIN I'D SAY BUT AMOOZIN': "SO BY VOTIN' --- BUT NOT CHOOSIN' --- YA' RID YERSELF OF ERECTIONAL DISFUNCTION?"

WAL, FRY MAH HIDE, I DIDN'T LIKE THE LOOK ON HER FACE AND IT TURNED OUT THAT THE SIGN WAS JEST PLAYIN' WITH WORDS --- CAUSE IF YOU READ THE SIGN IT DON'T SAY "ERECTIONAL" DISFUNCTION --- IT SAYS "ELECTORAL" --- IT'S GOT NOTHIN' TO DO WITH THE THINGS I'M INTERESTED IN EXCEPT DEMOCRACY AND --- THE WAY I THINK --- AS ANY FOOL KIN PLAINLY SEE, THIS PROPORTIONED REPRESENTATION IS THE VERY OPPOSITE OF DEMOCRACY --- 'CAUSE IT AIN'T ME THAT CHOOSES MY MP --- IT'S THE POLITICAL PARTIES --- OR, I FOUND OUT LATER DOWN AT THE STRATHCONA HOTEL PUB --- IT'S THE PARTY BOSSES ....

THEN UP GETS A SEEDY LOOKIN' GUY WHO SPEAKS WITH A HEAVY LIMY ACCENT. HE SAYS HE'S THE GREEN PARTY ORGANIZER --- DID HE ORGANIZE THEIR DEFEAT IN THE LAST ELECTION I WONDERED. ANYWAY HE WAS AS CLOSE AS ANY ENGLISHMAN CAN EVER GET TO TEARS AND HE SAID HE WAS A RED-BLOODED CANADIAN AND HE TALKED ABOUT HOW STEPHEN HARPER --- THEY CALL HIM "POTTY" DOWN AT THE STRATHCONA PUB --- WAS TAKING HIS COUNTRY AWAY FROM HIM ---- AND HOW HE (POTTY HARPER -- NOT THE ENGLISHMAN) WAS A BOSSY BULLY WHO HATED DEMOCRACY --- BUT THIS GUY SOUNDED TO ME AS IF HE THOUGHT HE OWNED THE COUNTRY AND I DIDN'T --- THERE'S NOTHING TURNS US COLONIALS OFF MORE THAN AN ENGLISHMAN TRYIN' TO LORD IT OVER US AND TRYIN' TO BOSS US AROUND AND TELLIN' US HOW TO RUN OUR COUNTRY ....

THEN UP GETS ANOTHER ENGLISHMAN WHO'S A PROFESSOR AND TALKS ABOUT HOW DAVID SUZUKI SAYS WE GOT TO SHUT DOWN THE OIL SANDS, IN PARTICULAR, AND ALBERTA, IN GENERAL. AGAIN I WONDER WHAT SUZUKI HAS TO DO WITH DEMOCRACY --- AFTER ALL, HE WANTS TO PUT ANYONE WHO DISAGREES WITH HIM IN JAIL --- BY MY FIGURIN', THAT'S THE VERY OPPOSITE A' DEMOCRACY --- .

THEN, THIS GRUBBY BULLY LOOKIN' GAL WITH A BARE BELLY GOT UP ON THE STAGE AND STARTED YELLIN' AT THE CROWD. THE SPEAKER SYSTEM DIDN'T WORK BUT SHE DIDN'T NEED A LOUD SPEAKER 'CAUSE SHE HAD A VOICE LIKE A FOG HORN. "WHEN I YELL 'SUZUKI', YOU YELL 'GOOD'," SHE ORDERED. "WHEN I YELL 'HARPER', YOU YELL 'BAD'. GET READY ---- 1, 2, 3 .... SUZUKI ... "

"GOOD!!!!"

"LOUDER ... !!!!", SHE BELLOWED.

"SUZUKI .... !!!! ..."

"GOOD ... !!! ..."

"AGAIN !!!!! ...."

AND SHE WENT THROUGH THAT PROCEDURE ABOUT 15 TIMES BEFORE GETTIN' ON TO POOR OLD POTTY. BARE BELLY WAS FEEDIN' HER EGO APLENTY. BUT THE TROUBLE WAS A LOT OF THE CROWD LOOKED LIKE THEY DIDN'T LIKE BEING BOSSED AND BULLIED AROUND AND THOSE THAT DID WERE GETTIN' HOARSE BUT NOT HER --- SHE COULD BLAST AS GOOD AS EVER. SO ONCE SHE FINALLY GOT TO

"HARPER ...!!!!"

THERE WAS NO REPLY BECAUSE ANYONE WHO WAS KEEN ON SUZUKI HAD FORGOTTEN WHAT SHE ORDERED THEM TO SAY AND THE OTHERS WERE EITHER TIRED OF VOICE OR TIRED OF HER.

"HARPER ...!!!! ... BAD ... REMEMBER ... BAD"

"HARPER ...!!!!"

YOU COULD HARDLY HEAR IT BUT A FEW IN THE CROWD KINDA WHISPERED CAUSE THEY WERE SCARED OF BEING DIFFERENT:

"bad"

"LOUDER ... !!!!"

"bad"

"HARPER ...!!!! LOUDER"

RIGHT BEHIND ME WAS A COUPLE OF MIDDLE CLASS PEOPLE --- ABOUT A THIRD OF THE CROWD WERE THAT TYPE --- WHAT THE GREENIES DOWN IN PINCHER CREEK CALL "THE BOOBOOSIE". AND THE MAN CALLED OUT:

"YOU'VE HAD YOUR 15 MINUTES OF FAME ... IN FACT --- YOU'VE HAD 20 MINUTES ... WE'RE HERE TO TALK ABOUT DEMOCRACY NOT CHANT ABOUT SUZUKI --- SIT
DOWN AND SHUT UP ... AND LET SOMEONE WHO KNOWS SOMETHING SPEAK ABOUT DEMOCRACY --- THAT'S WHY WE'RE HERE FOR FOR GOD'S SAKE."

BARE BELLY LOOKED MIGHTY PUT DOWN AND RAN OFF THE STAGE AND I THINK SHE WAS BAWLING.

THEN DENISE SAVOIE, THE MP ELECTED FOR VICTORIA NOT BY PARTY BOSSES BUT BY THE PEOPLE OF VICTORIA --- THAT'S WHAT I CALL DEMOCRACY --- SHE GOT UP TO THE MIKE. SHE TALKED ABOUT HOW POTTY AND THE TORIES HAD --- BY PEROGYIN' (OR WHATEVER YA' CALL IT) --- STOPPED HER AND THE MAJORITY OF ALL THE OTHER MPS ELECTED BY THE PEOPLE FROM CHOOSING WHAT GOVERNMENT WAS GOING TO GOVERN THOSE PEOPLE WHO ELECTED THE MPS AND WHEN THE MAJORITY OF THE MPS WANTED TO FIND OUT WHETHER POTTY AND PETER MCKAY WERE LYIN' ABOUT TORTURE IN AFIGHANISTAN THEN POTTY PIROGIED THE GOOD GUYS AGAIN AND STOPPED HER AND THE OTHER MPS FROM ASKING ANY QUESTIONS AND SHE TALKED ABOUT HOW POTTY REPLACED HER AND ALL THE MPS ELECTED BY THE PEOPLE OF ALL PARTS OF CANADA WITH HIMSELF. AND THAT GOT ME A THINKIN'. IN OTHER WORDS POTTY WAS A DICTATOR AND A BOSSY BULLY BUT MUCH WORSE.

THEN THE MP ELECTED BY THE PEOPLE OF ESQUIMALT, KEITH MARTIN, GOT UP AND SAID THE SAME THING BUT IN A DIFFERENT WAY AND LOUD AND CLEAR.

AND THEN I GOT TO THINKIN' --- I BETTER LEARN SOME MORE ABOUT THIS PIROGY BUSINESS --- AND SINCE THEN I'VE READ A STORY ABOUT POTTY IN THE CALGARY EYE OPENER AND POTTY'S A CONTROL FREAK AND BOSSIER AND A FAR WORSE BULLY THAN BARE BELLY --- HE WAS BULLIED WHEN HE WAS POTTY-TRAINED SO HE'S GOT HEAD PROBLEMS AND HE'S A DANGEROUS GUY AND, IF HE HAD A MAJORITY GOVERNMENT HE COULD TURN INTO A NIXON OR EVEN A HITLER --- SO I'M GLAD I WENT TO THE MEETING. THE PROFESSORS WHO ORGANIZED THE RALLY COULDN'T ORGANIZE THEIR WAY OUT OF A PAPER BAG AND COULDN'T KEEP ORDER AT A SUNDAY SCHOOL PICNIC BUT THE MPS, WHO THE PEOPLE OF VICTORIA AND ESQUIMALT CHOSE --- DEMOCRATICALLY, GOT THE MESSAGE ACROSS.

POTTY CLAIMS THE PEOPLE OF CANADA DON'T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT PIROGIES BUT RIGHT ACROSS CANADA THEY HAD THESE RALLYS --- 7,000 SHOWED UP IN TORONTO, 4,000 IN OTTAWA, THE TORIES DROPPED 15 POINTS IN THE POLLS IN 15 DAYS AND 200,000 CANADIANS HAS SIGNED UP AGAINST PIROGIES!!!!

--- AND, ON TOP OF THAT, GOOD IS BETTER THAN EVIL, BECUZ IT'S NICER --- THESE PROFESSORS AND LEFTIES CAN BE PRETTY ACTIVE --- IF YOU GET WHAT I MEAN --- IT AIN'T ONLY ELECTORAL DISFUNCTION THEY KNOW HOW TO GET RID OF.